I have a lot of issues with ‘s’ words. "Should", "success", "scared", "shame".
They all, well, suck. They have baggage, a weight I can feel
in my stomach, my soul.
I feel like my story
is broken, wasting away like a faded receipt. Can I get a refund on my mid 20’s?
I saw Hannah Gadsby perform her farewell show “Nanette.” I
cried. I cried hard.
It was a story, she needs her end, and she can’t live in the
middle.
I feel like I’m living in my middle, I can’t move on.
I messaged Hannah, a long diary entry. I poured my heart
out, knowing that she probably won’t reply. And I know I can't get satisfaction
from a stranger about my life.
She did.
She didn’t need to.
She said what I am feeling is shame.
Deep, paralysing, shame.
Another really scary “s’ word. But such a good one.
I need to be ok with where I am now. The present. Don’t let
my future be clouded with shame. That’s dark and scary and a self-fulfilling
prophecy where I will continue to be fucking sad.
Strength, support…self-love (stretch?)
I am here. This is now. Shrug off the how and focus on me.
Shame, struggle, we all feel that shit.
It doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to let it go.
-Alison
Nanette is sold out. I hope Hannah is writing a book though.
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