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What I have learned as a failure

Warning: may contain triggers for those who suffer anxiety or depression.

This title is misleading; I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I am constantly under the pressure that I am a total failure and cannot do anything. It’s hard to fight against something that is all in your mind. No one is telling me I can’t; no one is telling me I am a loser. I am telling me all this. All day, every day for the last 24 years. That is a very difficult pathway to come off of.

Something I realised today. There will be no point in my life where I became a perfect human and it will be all gravy. I will constantly struggle.

Life is damn hard.
I had no idea I would fall this hard. I never saw this coming.
I am not alone.
We all face different struggles. We face pain we did not expect.
It is okay. Not everything can be fixed. But we can adapt and change.
I have grown in many ways the last 5 years. I have shrunk into a strange little dark thing but I also fought against it and became a better me.
I have become a better sister, friend and human. I am compassionate and I believe that anyone can overcome anything.
You are strong. Nothing is ever over until you day so.

I am so against letting myself try because I fear failure, I fear being exposed as a fraud. Fraudulent against what, I actually have no idea.

I am putting up this post because I needed to. Something I whipped out of my ass. Mostly for me. But if someone reads this and feels a little bit better for a second, then I am cool with that. Even if you compare yourself to me and think at least you’re not as weak as I am. Good for you. You can get past the next 24 hours of life.

There is no direction here. It is the incoherent ramblings of person struggling.
A lot of people I know are in pain at the moment. Loss, illness, life in general.
I am in pain because I hate myself and I am the monster of my own life.

I have not found a new pathway. It’s hard. 24 years of being that monster.
This is a confession of a failure.
But damn, I’m not giving up. I will never give up. My monster, my fight.

Good luck to all humans. Fight your monster.


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