I have a lot of issues with ‘s’ words. "Should", "success", "scared", "shame".
They all, well, suck. They have baggage, a weight I can feel in my stomach, my soul.
I feel like my story is broken, wasting away like a faded receipt. Can I get a refund on my mid 20’s?I saw Hannah Gadsby perform her farewell show “Nanette.” I cried. I cried hard.
It was a story, she needs her end, and she can’t live in the middle.
I feel like I’m living in my middle, I can’t move on.
I messaged Hannah, a long diary entry. I poured my heart out, knowing that she probably won’t reply. And I know I can't get satisfaction from a stranger about my life.
She didn’t need to.
She said what I am feeling is shame.
Deep, paralysing, shame.
Another really scary “s’ word. But such a good one.
I need to be ok with where I am now. The present. Don’t let my future be clouded with shame. That’s dark and scary and a self-fulfilling prophecy where I will continue to be fucking sad.
Strength, support…self-love (stretch?)
I am here. This is now. Shrug off the how and focus on me.
Shame, struggle, we all feel that shit.
It doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to let it go.
Nanette is sold out. I hope Hannah is writing a book though.